Heather has been wanting to see Across the Universe since we first saw the trailer over two months ago.  From that, it appeared the film was a semi-psychedelic love story, set to a backdrop of Beatles music.  I have been a lifelong Beatles fan, going back to my earliest childhood memories, and as a rule I have nothing against musicals or love stories.  (Those of you who have seen my 100 Movie list may remember Moulin Rouge is included there, as are Yellow Submarine, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, and Chitty Chitty Bang Bang).  So at first I was intrigued by the possibilities this movie possessed.

Then I started reading some of the reviews.  Even six weeks before the film debut, Julie Taymor's movie was receiving troubling notices within Hollywood circles.  Too expensive, too long, no story, no cohesion...a spectacular failure.  Those opinions were not universal, but they appeared to be the consensus.  Still, Heather wanted to see it, and I was willing to give it a chance.  We didn't make it there last weekend, but finally tonight we sat down behind an idiot who wouldn't turn his cell phone off and got ready to experience what could be a wonderful film.

It wasn't.  Across the Universe is a terrible movie.  Avoid it at all costs.  We couldn't even stay for the whole thing.  90 minutes, in we gathered our belongings and left.  We had to give up before we started to bleed internally.

I'm not going to waste too much time describing the story.  Jude (Jim Sturgess) travels from Liverpool to the U.S. to find his father, who he has never met.  While there, he meets Max, and through him he finds Lucy, Max's sister...as well as a multitude of other characters, including Sadie, Jo-Jo, Prudence (who climbs in through a bathroom window), Dr. Robert, Mr. Kite...you get the idea.

At every possible moment Beatles songs (courtesy of the publishing rights currently owned by Sony, by way of Michael Jackson) are inserted into the story.  Usually they are forced, such as when friends sing "Dear Prudence" to coax her out of a closet...or "All My Loving" when Jude says goodbye to his girlfriend in Liverpool.  The only time the music isn't a distraction is when it isn't shoved down your throat: a rendition of "Why Don't We Do It In the Road" is enjoyable, as is a few seconds of "Come Together" by Joe Cocker as both a homeless nut and a pimp - but even that grows tiresome quickly.

If you've ever seen the nightmarishly-bad film Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band, starring Peter Frampton and the Bee Gees, you have something to compare this movie to.  Every Beatles reference imaginable is included, with no rhyme or reason.  After 90 minutes I cared absolutely nothing about a single character in the movie, and if they had all been suddenly killed by - I don't, know, let's say The Terminator - I would have been applauding the entire time.  Good riddance to bad rubbish.

Julie Taymor's attempts at psychedelic experiences are awful and hackneyed.  Her banal method of reducing the 60's to stereotypes smacks of a 1970's B-movie written over a weekend.  Every song is taken at its most literal meaning, instead of the multiple layers the Beatles used within their later lyrics. 

Overall, the movie has zero to offer - not a single redeeming factor.

Fortunately, being such a failure, the images in the film are not creative or meaningful enough to ruin the Beatles for the poor viewers.  On the way home, Heather and I popped in a Beatles CD and sang along, doing what we could do erase Across the Universe from our memories.  If you simply skip this movie altogether, you won't have to do the same.