Look, I love movies.  You know that by now.  I love great movies, silly movies, funny movies, cheesy movies, classic movies…even a few TERRIBLE movies.  And because Heather and I try to see as many films as we can in the theater instead of just watching them at home, we know we’re both sort of out of step with the modern-day movie-goer.  CGI images can really distract me.  Transforming robots do nothing for me.  Avatar may be the greatest visual film in history, but if I want to watch Dancing With Wolves I’ll watch the original.  For me, the story is primary (except in rare occasions where it is a combination of story and visual, such as Yellow Submarine).  Does it make me think?  Does it make me cry?  Does it make me laugh?  Does it frighten me?  Is it interesting enough so that I don’t know EXACTLY how it will end 15 minutes in?

It is also no secret that Hollywood is devoid of ideas.  And the financial side of moviemaking has changed what does and does not work.  These days a terrible action film with almost no dialogue – and what there is, clichéd and robotic – is more likely to be globally successful.  So the plot and the dialogue has less and less importance.  Finding quality films with original ideas and great acting is harder and harder to do.  Fortunately, I still have older movies I can turn back to when the latest releases leave me bored.

I think it is the fact that these old releases remain unknown to the modern-day public is why I find the non-stop stream of remakes to be so sinful (for lack of a better word).  Yes, I know; today’s generation would find a hundred reasons not to want to enjoy an old Hitchcock film, or the original Dirty Harry, or Bridge Over the River Kwai.  But I just don’t get it.  If you want to remake a movie, fine, go ahead.  But do you have to make such a TERRIBLE remake?  One so wrenchingly awful that NOBODY who is first exposed to the film with the remake would EVER want to take the time to see the original?

Look, you want to remake Godzilla?  Go ahead.  The original requires a certain connection to your childhood to enjoy it.  Want to do another modern retelling of The Taming of the Shrew under a different name?  Have fun.  Want to take a terrible movie like Point Break, remake it as The Fast and the Furious, and then remake THAT?  Fine, they all suck, go nuts.  But do you have to ruin good, or great, films?

Yes, this is a simple bitch-fest.  So allow me, if you will, to give a short list of examples of films I wish they never had remade (or wish they would cancel plans to remake, depending on the individual film itself).

The Taking of Pelham 1-2-3 – Classic Walter Matthau and a fitting tribute to the NY Transit System becomes another John Travolta abomination.

The Bad News Bears – Does Hollywood hate Matthau for some reason?  Did he owe a lot of people money when he died or something?  Nobody can replace his Buttermaker.

The Birds – Hitchcock should be off limits.

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory – I don’t care if Roald Dahl’s widow says he didn’t like the original musical.  For kids at that time, it was magical.  So leave the damn thing alone.  Gene Wilder during his best years.

Clash of the Titans – The cheese factor is big in this one, but that’s the way I prefer it.

Flight of the Phoenix – Why did they even bother?  Gonna remake The Dirty Dozen next?  Ooops, guess what…they are.  When they decide to remake The Great Escape, I will go postal.

Footloose – Yes, it is a goofy 80’s movie.  So what?  Just leave it be.

Fun With Dick and Jane – It wasn’t worth remaking really, so why bother?

The In-Laws – Sacrilege.  Arkin and Falk cannot be remade.  Take perfection, and dump feces all over it.  Thanks.

The Longest Yard – A fun and original movie becomes yet another vehicle for the least talented man in Hollywood. 

The Manchurian Candidate – What a waste of time.  Just makes me ill.  The original is still under-appreciated.

Planet of the Apes – As goofy as the later films were, they actually built them all into a semi-coherent story arc.  But the first film…it never gets old.

Psycho – See “The Birds.”

Sabrina – This wasn’t a total disaster…just taking a great film and turning it into a boring one.

Romancing the Stone – Is Hollywood completely out of comedic ideas?

Meatballs – There is NO way any remake can have the fun and the quirky hilarity of the original.  Low-budget, cast with unknowns (except Bill Murray), and captured the feeling of summer camp perfectly.  I wish the remake all the success of Caddyshack 2.

Back to School – Let’s take one of Rodney’s best movies, and redo it as a vehicle for Cedric the Entertainer.  This is like watching “The Big Picture” and seeing Kevin Bacon’s film turned from a black-and-white character study into “Beach Nuts.”  Rodney and Sam Kinneson are cursing the Earth from hell, or wherever they are now.

Arthur and 10 – I guess they were just waiting until Dudley Moore’s corpse was cold.

Rosemary’s Baby – You have got to be kidding me.  This is STILL a tremendous movie, forgetting the fact that Roman Polanski directed it.  There is NO reason to remake it.  ZERO.  STOP!!

Hellraiser – I don’t have quite the same problem with remaking horror films, although I still believe the original Halloween and Friday the 13^th are far superior.  These days the remakes just throw blood and brain matter everywhere.  No more fear.

Red Dawn – Not sure how we can remake this, unless we replace the Russians and Cubans with the Chinese.  But why bother?  The original is fun, and filled with young stars. 

Yellow Submarine – I wish I was dead.  A psychedelic journey into a magical world, enjoyed by adults and children alike.  Does Sony need the money so badly?

Charade – They changed the name to The Truth About Charlie, but that still doesn’t change the pointless destruction this remake did of a fabulous movie.  If you’ve never seen Charade, the latest DVD versions have much better sound quality then the old VHS releases.

True Grit – This is one I am almost willing to give a chance to, if only because the Coen Brothers are doing it.  I’m willing to admit their take may be - at least - interesting.

What about you?  Any least-favorite remakes (released or planned)?